My Truth in a Healing Journey
When we talk about healing—whether it’s from addiction, trauma, loss, or mental health struggles—it’s easy to imagine it as a straight line, from point A to point B. You start at pain or trauma, move through growth and self-reflection, and eventually reach serenity and peace. Effortless and straightforward, right?
Honestly, healing rarely looks like this; it’s never the same from person to person. It’s not a linear road; it’s a messy, winding, and often unpredictable journey. Some days you feel like you’ve come so far, ‘You’re on top of the world.’ Other days, you find yourself back in the same place you thought you left behind, that same rock bottom you thought couldn’t get any deeper. And that’s understandable. The healing path is a journey with many roads, options and choices for each individual, many times becoming the biggest learning opportunities taken from the smallest step.
The Sayings of Healing; That Often get Misunderstood
“Fake It Till You Make It”
This has become a cultural mantra, often repeated in motivational speeches, pep talks from friends or family, and self-help books. It suggests that by pretending to be confident, competent, or successful, a person can eventually become those things in reality. At first glance, the advice seems empowering—However, beneath its catchy optimism lies a philosophy that can encourage superficiality, dishonesty, and burnout, ultimately undermining long-term progress.
Originally, the idea had some psychological merit: “You are what you believe”. Yet, the phrase becomes misleading when interpreted as a universal strategy for success. While this idea may have some short-term motivational value, it can also be deeply damaging to the recovery process if misunderstood. Addiction recovery depends on honesty, self-awareness, and vulnerability, and the “fake it till you make it” mentality can unintentionally undermine those values. Social media amplifies this myth, as people curate perfect versions of their lives and careers online, pretending to have “made it” even when they are struggling.
For myself, this constant performance leads to more anxiety, burnout, relapses, and suicidal ideations. The pressure to maintain this illusion rather than admit my vulnerability, that I was breaking more and more every second or trying to seek the help I desperately needed. Instead of motivating real progress, the mantra often trapped me in a cycle of comparison and pretence. While “fake it till you make it” may offer short-term confidence boosts, it is ultimately a myth that prioritizes appearance over authenticity. Real growth requires honesty, persistence, and self-awareness, not pretence. Success built on faking it is a fragile road, but success built on genuine vulnerability and effort endures. To truly “make it,” we must be honest with ourselves and others.
“Always move forward”
While it is often meant to inspire persistence and optimism. In many areas of life, it can serve as a powerful reminder to keep striving toward goals despite setbacks. We live in a world that celebrates progress. We want before and after photos and success stories. However, in the context of recovery, this mindset can be harmful or counterproductive when taken too literally. Recovery is not a straight line—it’s a complex, nonlinear process that requires reflection, honesty, and acceptance of mistakes. When people in recovery feel pressured to “always move forward,” they may suppress important emotions, deny setbacks, or overlook the value of pausing to heal.
The idea of “always moving forward” can invalidate the reality of relapse and internal struggle. Many people in recovery experience slips or relapses, which can be part of the learning process rather than a sign of total failure. However, if someone believes they must constantly progress, a relapse may feel catastrophic.
I have relapsed twice and was lucky enough to get myself back into those rooms. My first relapse felt horrifying. I felt like I completely stopped moving forward. I felt I let everyone down. It got to the point where I couldn’t look myself in the mirror until I realized— Yes, I made a mistake but it didn’t stop me from moving forward and as a wise friend once told me “Just because you relapsed, doesn’t mean you lost all that you had learned from the start of this journey”. I learned I wasn’t a failure because I wasn’t continuously “moving forward” there will always be bumps in the road.
The Beauty in the Mess
There’s something profoundly beautiful about the messiness of healing. When we stop expecting perfection, we start allowing grace.
Healing teaches us patience. It shows us that growth can happen quietly, in the background, while we’re still figuring things out.
It reminds us that sometimes the most powerful progress is invisible—the decision to stay, to try again, to choose yourself, even when it’s hard.
Healing comes in waves. You might feel strong and grounded one moment, then suddenly triggered or exhausted the next. I have had some of the highest of highs learning how to live life in life’s terms without the use of drugs and alcohol, without self harming, without tearing everyone down with me; I’d be happy and giddy for no reason at all, singing in my car at the top of my lungs, and dancing like nobody is watching. Sometimes it’s as simple as milk curdling in my coffee sets my whole day off. I bawl my eyes out. This was not because of the spoiled milk or the fact I didn’t have time to make another coffee. I am on a lifelong journey of healing the wounds of my past.
Just remember even the sky needs to release the rain because sometimes things just get a little too heavy to carry it all in one moment. Relapses, setbacks, or bad days don’t erase your growth or the things you have learned along the way. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed; it means you’re human. Each time you fall and get back up, you’re strengthening something deeper—your resilience, your awareness, your compassion for yourself.
Embracing the Journey
When I stepped out of my car to walk into my first meeting, the world felt too loud. Even my head felt heavier than it had ever been. I clutched my car keys so tight in my hand; knuckles turning white. Smiling faces greeted me at the door, people laughing and enjoying life — all of them clean. A memory of day one. It didn’t feel like a victory but a sense of hope. If they could do it, so could I. It felt like permission to begin my journey.
Back home that evening processing everything that was said, it all had slipped my mind. Everything felt familiar and threatening at the same time. Walking back into my home where I used to disappear into my addiction. The memories that whispered, Why not just one more? Healing didn’t feel like light pouring in—it felt like holding back a storm.
Some days, I wake up hopeful. Although I don’t recall a thing that was said at that first meeting I remember the feeling it gave me. There are days when I could’t get out of bed. I made an effort to continue going to the meetings, collected phone numbers, and tried to trust people again. I am still learning to tell the truth—especially when it hurts the most. Realizing that forgiveness isn’t a switch you can just flip; sometimes it was just choosing to try again tomorrow.
4 Months In…
One evening, after a rough day of battling cravings, I had decided I would give up. 4 months in and I was going to use a substance again. The world felt heavier than I could handle. After waiting as long as I could and tried every tool except picking up that phone. I stopped at the gas station to be able to go to a store far enough away that nobody would recognize me. I got in line and these children in front of me were getting their mom to buy them candy. Her card declines and has to put the candy and drinks back, these kids (maybe 6 and 8yrs old) start asking ‘why’ not understanding, mom replies that a bill must have come out.
In my head I am still planning on using that night. They pay for their essentials and start to leave. Walking up to the cash, my higher power took that wheel and at the last second it felt like I wasn’t in control. Suddenly, I was insisting on buying that candy as well as paying for my own gas and coffee. Card accepted, I sprinted across that parking lot and gave them the candy and all I can remember saying is “I’ve been there” I gave the mom a hug and walked off.
Sitting back in my car and I breathed, really breathed, for the first time all day. I noticed the strength, warmth and wisdom of a power that was just looking out for me. Finally, noticing the steady rhythm of my heartbeat.
I’m still here for a reason, I thought.
That night instead of buying drugs or alcohol I drove myself to a meeting. Little did they know, they saved my life that night.
You Are Healing, Even When You Don’t Feel It
Recovery didn’t look like perfection. It looks like moments—messy, painful, beautiful moments—stacked together. One choice after another. One breath after another.
And as each day I take another step forward on this worn path, I’ve realized something: healing wasn’t a destination. It is the courage to just keep walking.
To truly embrace healing, you have to release the need to control it. Let go of the idea that there’s a “right” way to heal. Some days you’ll journal, meditate, or go to therapy. Other days, you struggle to just get out of bed. Every effort counts. Every step matters. Listening to the powers and people that are loving and kind can sometimes save you without you even realizing it in the moment.
The healing journey is not about reaching a final destination—it’s about coming home to yourself, over and over again.
I am not the same person I was, I am coming to accept and embrace that idea that I can heal and be a better person for myself, my family and others around me. The small things you do every day—the boundaries you set, forgiving yourself, the moments you pause instead of react—those are proof that healing is happening.
So keep going. Be gentle with yourself. Your journey doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.
Healing isn’t necessarily about becoming someone new—it’s about remembering who you were and truly embracing who you want to become without letting yourself stand in the way.
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One response
What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing!